I have mixed feel­ings about bumper stick­ers. From an activism stand­point they’re about as taste­ful as a stars and stripes tat­too with less sense of com­mit­ment. From a com­edy stand­point they’re a lit­tle like deliv­er­ing the same joke in one really long breath­less drone. Imag­ine Sein­feld open­ing the door to his apart­ment on his old show and let­ting loose with an eter­nal “Hello … NEWMAN” that goes on and on into the ages.

Maybe it would still be funny, but more likely it is going to ruin your mood just like the bumper sticker will prob­a­bly screw up your paint job.

Either way bumper stick­ers do prove use­ful. Some­one can eas­ily embla­zon their car with some sym­bol of their polit­i­cal or philo­soph­i­cal asso­ci­a­tions so you will know right away if you will hate them. Also, like a tat­too, it’s unlikely that per­son will eas­ily change their mind about their state­ment. The rea­son is because then they’ll have to remove the sticker, which is humil­i­at­ing when you real­ize you actu­ally have to mod­ify your prop­erty because some­one man­aged to talk you out of your pub­lic prin­ci­ples. And if you put up a bumper sticker for a pres­i­den­tial can­di­date that gets you out of hav­ing to watch the debates and expe­ri­ence the tor­ture of being an ugly, ugly swing voter.

Regard­less of what some­one is try­ing to say with their bumper sticker, there are always a few that fall utterly flat. The Calvin pee­ing stick­ers are among those that I have never under­stood. I mean, I under­stand you like irri­tat­ing Ford own­ers by dis­play­ing an image of some­one piss­ing on the Ford logo, but why Calvin? I didn’t know Calvin had a posi­tion. And why pee? How juve­nile are you? Let’s get adult about it and have Rambo spit­ting on the logo while mak­ing rude hand and crotch gestures.