Phrenol­ogy is the pseudo-science of deter­min­ing people’s traits from the bumps upon their scalps. I’m glad the prac­tice has been thor­oughly debunked, oth­er­wise I might learn I have a par­tic­u­larly promi­nent “uni­corn fetishist” region and won­der if I am depriv­ing myself of some essen­tial ingre­di­ent for a whole and com­plete life.

If phrenol­ogy were real, then the whole busi­ness would snow­ball. We’d start ana­lyz­ing our dogs when­ever we pet them. “Spot, I had no idea you had such a large ‘Dis­re­spect for Author­ity Fig­ures’ bump! Well, you’re going back to the pound, you bad dog.” We’d imme­di­ately want to reach for a hairdo-wrecking feel when­ever a date is going well so we can see if we’re will­ing to start a rela­tion­ship with some­one who might have a  “Leaves Socks on Floor” area.

The obvi­ous ques­tion of ques­tions is would we be able to abide Legos in a phrenology-true world? No longer capa­ble of rely­ing on basic emoti­con expres­sions to under­stand how oth­ers feel, we would sim­ply be con­fused by a Lego’s one-bump head. What does the Lego really feel? How can we deter­mine what the sim­ple smile is about with­out know­ing if the Lego has a “Psy­cho­pathic Mur­der Bump”???