It seems like I’ve read all of the the­o­ries on why some pri­mori­dal human descen­dant decided to leave the trees. Most believe it was some kind of envi­ron­men­tal thing. Maybe. But my guess it was some fatty that left the trees. That’s right.

Here’s how it went. A cou­ple chimps found a really great stand of fruit trees and ran off every day dur­ing the group’s nap time to gorge. After awhile they were under­stand­ably get­ting pretty huge. The rest of the group thought noth­ing of it, except that Adam and Eve had more flesh to groom which was OK because chimps like grooming.

One day Eve was eat­ing fruit like usual and was feel­ing pretty full. She leaned back in the fruit tree, ready to take a nap but thought, “Hey, just one more apple.” Because, why the hell not? So she ate it and then the branch snapped under­neath her. Adam came lum­ber­ing over to see if she was ok. She was. Adam real­ized she had been overeat­ing and grabbed the apple out of her hand and fin­ished it off for her. It was then that he found he couldn’t climb back into the tree. Nei­ther of them could.

And so, off into the Savan­nah, never to return.