So we’ve all heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. She breaks into their house when they’re away. She of course destroys the house try­ing to be as com­fort­able as pos­si­ble. She never uses her brain once. The shock­ing part is that when the bears dis­cover her pres­ence, they do not eat her and make her into pies. They scare her, and then, accord­ing to some vari­ants on the tale, Goldilocks actu­ally becomes a respect­ful girl who plays well with bear cubs.

WHAT!? C’mon. She walks into a bear’s den. This girl had no sense to begin with. Her birth cer­tifi­cate was signed and cer­ti­fied by the Dar­win Awards. Even if she met a mod­ern day ath­lete with the world’s great­est fit­ness and work ethic, none of it would rub off. Hence this comic.